InuYasha Advice
by SiriousB1
Summary: Let's face it: our reality is nowhere near as perfect as the anime world. But, who's to say that the anime world is perfect in its entirety? InuYasha certainly isn't! What better way to solve their problems than asking a columnist?
1. InuYasha and Sesshomaru

* * *

Thank you to Ashieyu-chan for her character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,   
  
I like these two girls, but one tries to bring me to Hell, and the other one is from the future and says this certain word (which I will not speak of) that sends me face first into the ground. They both call me a two-timer, and I guess I am. I like the girl from the future a lot, but I don't know how to tell her without looking too soft and all that shit. How can I tell her I like her without looking gay, wimpy, soft, etc.?   
  
Truly yada yada all that shit,   
Dog with Trouble   
  
P. S: Don't tell either of the girls I wrote you, 'cause the one will kill me, and the future girl won't leave me alone.  
  
Dear Dog,  
  
You are in an interesting predicament, you two-timing swine. But, I'll help you anyway. It sounds like both of these women that you're "dating" are real bitchy, so I don't see why you are going out with them in the first place. Sigh Men these days. Anyway, if you really like this future chick, then, no matter how you break it to her that you love her, she won't think of you as gay, soft, etc. Well, only if she really likes you back. If not, well then be prepared to be laughed at. You have friends right? (No pun intended.) In the case that you do, here is a good way to get her. Sometime late at night (or whenever she is sleeping), have one of your friends rouse her. Have him/her tell your crush (or whatever you want to consider her as) that you are in danger and that you need her to help you. Hopefully, she will snap at the chance. (If she's from the future, then she's probably a sap for giving help to people in need.) Have your friend lead her to someplace romantic (a river-side maybe?) and then ditch her. When she tries to figure out what the hell is going on, jump out and tell her that your heart is breaking and that you need her to fix it. Hopefully, she'll get the hint (she has to be pretty stupid not to) and make out with you for the rest of the night. Yeah, I know it's corny and cheesy and all that rot, but girl's love that crap. Well, I don't particularly (depends on my mood), but you can still try it. If you don't feel like trying it, then call Ms. Cleo and ask her what is going up in your love life.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
I won't tell them, don't worry. But one question: if you're dead because one of them kills you, how can the other hound you?

* * *

Dear SiriousB1, 

My arm! My arm! My arm is gone! It hurts! Dear God it hurts! But I won't scream, no I won't...owwwwww! My arm! My arm! My fucking arm is not there! OWWWWWWWW!!!!

From,

Fluffy

Dear Fluffy,

May I suggest that you avoid pointy objects as to not loose your other arm. I'm sorry that it hurts; go see a doctor. Get a mechanical arm. Get a wooden arm. Get an arm of steel. Pretend you're Ash in Evil Dead and use a chainsaw for your arm. Get whatever you want to use for your arm. Just please don't write back...you frighten me (jk).

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

* * *

A/N: If anyone has a character (repeats are fine) or a problem that they would like to see featured, write them in the review or go to my Bio and e-mail them to me. Hell, if you want, you can send me a question or something that you want answered and I'll answer it under whatever category you want. In the subject box in e-mail, type in "advice" or I won't open it. I warn you now that I shall not be held responsible for any rude, crude or sexual content in my response. My advice column, my rules.


	2. Miroku, Kaede and Naraku

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I'm having trouble with women. They all think that I only want them for their bodies. Well, I do, but that's beside the point. They all say I'm a pervert (especially that one in the school girl uniform) but I argue that I'm just lonely. Do you know any sexy, single women who are looking for a man? Are you looking for a man?  
  
Possibly Yours?  
Sexy Monk of Your Dreams  
  
Dear S.M. of Y.D.  
  
::sweatdrop:: Well, I'm a little preoccupied with drooling over a certain suave kitsune from another anime show, but I do believe that my friend Spidee could give you all she's got!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1. 

My older sister was in love with this one guy. But then he betrayed her or something and she put a spell on an arrow that went through his chest therefore pinning him to a tree. My sister happened to die, as well. I was pretty young then, like 10 or something, and it has been 50 years. Now he is back because the arrow was removed. And, since I am more mature, I think that I see why she liked him. He's so dreamy! It looks like he hasn't aged a day! But now my sister has been reincarnated in the same form that she was when she died and there is this other chick from the future and she is pretty too. How can I get him to notice me when he is constantly surrounded by those girls?

Cordially,

One-Eyed Wonder

Dear O.-E. W.

Make-up will do wonders. And I also suggest that you use anti-wrinkle cream. Actually, I don't suggest that you use it. You're like 60 now and if he is the same as he was before he must appear to be in his 20's or something. I regret to inform you that dating him would appear like rape. Not that rape isn't an option, but I don't want to be blamed for the consequences so DON'T rape him. Besides, a 60-year-old woman screwing someone 40 years younger is just wrong.

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to D.G. and Crew for this question and character.

Dear SiriousB1,

I have an evil tendency to kill things and I like to mess with peoples' heads, control people and I'm obsessed with collecting all the shards of a broken marble. What can I do to break these bad habits, O wise one?

Yours Truly,

Not a Human, Not yet a Demon

Dear Cheesy Remake of a Crappy Brittany Spears Song,

Are you sure you're in the right Anime? I'd swear that you seem almost precisely like Mr. Bluesummers in Trigun. Whatever. To stop taking over other people's minds and bodies, I suggest that you lock yourself in a room for a very long time while away from any sort of living organism. This solitude could possibly get you immune to being alone and you won't be as willing to manipulate and kill people. If that doesn't work, I hear that Jerry Springer is having a good run this season. As for this "marble", go to K-Mart and buy a new one. I'm sure that they put something in their "marbles" to turn them into magical jewels that make everyone want them to become stronger. Then you'll have a brand new "marble/jewel" thing all to yourself. Just don't drop the fucking thing...

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	3. Jakotsu and Kagome

Thank you to Ari for your character and question idea.   
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Oh, I am soooo much prettier than everyone else here in this filthy place! And yet, the two wondrous men that I lust for are in love with a sniff woman! Let me explain...I used to be a member of The Emperor's royal guard. Yet, sadly, the cavalry that I was placed in was ambushed by a dreadfully ugly group of warriors and not one of us survived. And so, just recently, a man named Naraku has restored me to my beautiful body once more. Very mysterious, that Naraku is. The other dead-warriors-brought-back-to-life tell me that he has a rather kinky sense in the subject or, well, you know! Something about a baboon suit...anyway, Naraku has requested us to kill this hanyou named InuYasha. So, we were sent out to kill him, but I couldn't lift a sword! All of the other warriors were killed (um, again) but I hid behind a tree. I can't help but stare at his rippling biceps as they flex gracefully under that red top of his! Drool Right...so, I was wandering aimlessly around the mountains dreaming about that beautiful half-demon, when I came upon a wolf demon. Oh my what a dreamy guy! I lust for his tight buttocks...um, so, anyway, both of these handsome men are in love with this schoolgirl. She is so much uglier than my fair complexion! I saw the half-demon fighting another demon the other day (apparently his brother). Despite the fact that this brother is a sexy beast and surpasses that of both of my secret crushes, he is not my type so I won't pursue him. So, anyway, yesterday I was able to find the hanyou alone in...well, a tree, actually. (Talk about kinky...) So, I called out for "HELP!" and he came running. I love a man with a heart! So, when I finally got him to come to me, I was able to give him a kiss! A KISS! So, after that...uh oh...he's here now! Wait...why is the Tetsaiga out?! Slashing noise ACK! My lipstick! Oh no, here he comes again! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Bye...  
Jakotsu the Gay   
  
Dear Jakotsu the Gay,  
  
Right...just keep away from me when I die and I promise everything will be okay...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Michelle Carbajal for your character and question...I like the postscript. 

Dear SiriousB1,

Oh no! I think I'm having affections for InuYasha...but does he have them for me? I mean, we've been traveling together for a long time and - well - I was kind of developing affections for him. What should I do?! Answer back!

Yours Sincerely,

A Certain School Girl

P.S.

Why didn't you make a chapter for me yet?

Dear A Certain School Girl,

Well...if you have feelings for him, then my guess is that you probably love him, no? I don't know if he has feelings for you or not. Why don't you ask him? I mean, according to most of the InuYasha fanfics writers on this website, you two are destined to be together. However, there is that other bit of authors who are obsessed with you and InuYasha's brother Sessho-marou together. (Hm...sounds like my friend...) As a matter of fact, you two would make a good couple; you and Sesshy, that is. But, alas, I'd say you and InuYasha make an even greater one. (That's just 'cause I love Sesshy. Of course, and this is for Michelle, not as much as Kurama ) So, ask him how he feels about you. Chances are, he'll say something along the lines of, "Feh. Why would I like you, stupid girl?" So, the better idea would be to get yourself into a life and death situation and see what he does. He'll probably come to your rescue and, afterwards, confess how he really feels. Well, that's how many authors see it, so I'm sure he'll take how they all feel and do so. If not, well then it's a one-sided thing, isn't it?

Sincerely,

SiriousB1

P.S.

I don't have a chapter for you yet? Hmm...looks over all the chapters she's done for the InuYasha advice column No, I guess I haven't, have I? Well, there are several reasons for that: 1. No one requested a question from you and 2. I hate you almost as much as Kikyo, Hojo and Jaken (key word: ALMOST), so I certainly wouldn't have written a column for you without being prompted, now would I? Please don't take the fact that I hate you personally; I normally hate all female main characters in anime. (The only exceptions would be Excel and Hyatt from Excel Sage, Mink from Dragon Half and Anthy from the Utena series. Oh yeah, and the two girls from Noir; they're cool. That's all I can think of...other than them, I hate you bishoujo!)


	4. The Hinageshi Cat, Sesshy and InuYasha

Thank you to D.G. and Crew for your character idea...I swear I could kill you all for it, but thank you...  
  
Meow SiriousB1,  
  
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow, meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow! Meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow Meow Meow Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow Meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow Souta meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow InuYasha. Souta meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow Kagome's meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meow meow meow meow meow meow...meow meow meow meow meow?  
  
Meow,  
Meow Meow Meow  
  
Translation:  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I am feeling this horrible strand of guilt. It washes over me like a waterfall. I wandered into my master's shrine one day and, well, got lost. They went looking for me and one of my masters fell into the well in the shrine! Now, she's been constantly going back and forth between The Feudal Era on the other side of the well, and present day Japan on this side. She hardly spends any time with Souta and me any more because she is so busy running around with this hanyou named InuYasha. Souta and I think that she loves him, but she won't admit it. You see, I am guilty that I brought this upon us because now Kagome's family don't see her as often and her grades in school are slipping, but at the same time I feel happy because she's met the man of her dreams. I'm very confuzzled about my feelings...how should I handle this?  
  
From,  
The Hinageshi Cat  
  
Dear The Hinageshi Cat,  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
Translation:  
  
Dear The Hinageshi Cat,  
  
GET AWAY! YOU SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! NOT AS MUCH AS KURONEKO FROM TRIGUN (WHO HAS GOT TO ME THE LEADER OF THE ANIMAL SIDEKICK EMBASSY WHO IS TRYING TO KILL ME), BUT YOU ARE STILL PRETTY DAMN SCARY! HANDLE YOUR FEELINGS AS YOU WISH, BUT PLEASE JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Jasmin Flower for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I have this problem. There's this girl I know and we kind of like each other, but it seems like every time I run into her it's just after I transform into my true form. My true form has poisonous drool, and I'm kinda' scared that I'll melt her head. I've used rinses, brushed and even tried milk and breath mints but nothing helps. Have any advice?  
  
Signed,  
Troubled in Kyoto  
  
Dear Troubled in Kyoto,  
  
Well, I'm not an expert on fresh breath or anything like that...breaths on sister's face Sister (gasping): AAAHHHH!!! Passes out...right, so I don't know that much about it. Um...you could use those Listerine Pocket Pack things. Those are pretty strong. You could...um...learn to stop drooling...you know, go see a veterinarian and ask them about it. I'm almost positive that they'll have some sort of drug that you can take to end your drooling problems and freshen your breath. If not, well, get a new crush...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Michelle Carbajal for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Shit! I'm in heat for Kagome! NOOO! Do you know what this means?! I'M GOING HORNY OVER KAGOME! What should I do? If I go overboard with this "in heat" thing, Kagome will know how I feel about her. ANSWER BACK!   
  
Yours sincerely,  
A horny hanyou (half demon)  
  
P.S.  
Don't tell Kagome!  
  
Dear Horny Hanyou,  
  
It's questions like these that make me happy that I changed the rating from PG-13 to R. Anyway, what should you do? Well, let's see...if you get all horny over a girl, then you obviously like her lots. In this case, I'd say that you love her, as you don't want Kagome to know. (Isn't it always like that?) You're really gonna' half to tell her. I mean, you won't be able to be around her without going all "Miroku" (so to speak) on her. I guess you could just run away and never see her again or something, but that just isn't my style of advice. So, tell her you love her. Who knows, maybe you make her get excited as well. If so, well then...you two are meant to be, aren't you? If not...well, then give it time. She just might change her mind. In the mean time...just keep your distance from her until you build up the courage to tell her your emotions. You never know what might happen if you're around her and you get really aroused...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	5. Kouga and Miroku

Thank you to Kenkaya for the next two characters and questions ideas.

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I want to tell you that I love Kagome. I want to tell everyone that I love Kagome. I love her long, flowing hair, dark as night. I love her beautiful sparkling eyes. Her joyous laugh, her magical voice. She makes me drift away into a dream that may someday come true. Or, at least, that's what I'd like to think. You see, lately this demon has been attracting my attention. She's no ordinary demon, however. She's a "spawn" of Naraku. That is, Naraku controls her heart. (A/N: Or so the shrine says...) I can't really deal with the idea of having a girlfriend who gets sucked into a guy who wears a baboon pelt if she ever betrays him. But she is sooooooooooooooo sexy! But, I don't want to admit it to myself because Kagome is my one true love, isn't she? I mean, sure she hangs around 24/7 with that butt-ugly hanyou InuYasha and sure she quite possibly loves him, but still! She did help my pack and me from those creepy flying circle things with naked human torsos sticking out of them. I can't recall their names...oh well. But, anyway, Kagura! She is so free willed and independent. I mean, sure she destroyed most of my pack, but still! That just shows how strong she is. And I mean, sure she's put under the category of "Really Bad Guys" on that one website (A/N: Thank you helped me figure out what she looked like!), but I'm a bad guy to, right? Dammit! I'm completely torn between that goody-two-shoes schoolgirl and this red-eyed demon in a kimono with a fan! Who should I do??? Who should I choose??? If I choose Kagome, how do I approach her without InuYasha going ballistic? If I choose Kagura, how do I approach her without Naraku going ballistic?   
  
From,  
I Love My Sexy Wolf Tail  
  
Dear Sexy Wolf Tail,  
  
You know, not being able to choose between women is just a normal guy thing. You think you're destined to be together with one girl, and then this other girl comes around that steals your heart away. I mean, hasn't anyone heard that 60s song "Make Up Your Mind" or "Finally Decide" or whatever that song was called? Anyway, it's about this guy who is in love with this girl, and then he sees her older sister and the dad makes him make up his mind on which he wants to marry. A weird way of describing it, but I think that song was made just for this column. (Well, actually this column would have to be made for the song because that was in the 60s and this 2003...I swear I don't have a time machine! ;;) Regardless of the decade, your problem is an everyday thing. Personally, I would choose Kagura. Well, I mean, I would because I actually have no idea who she is and I hate Kagome (hell, not as much as Kikyo), so I'm going to suggest the one that could be better and I'm just not positive of. Did that make sense? Oh well...anyway, so, like I said, I'd choose Kagura and I don't think you could approach her without driving Naraku crazy. But, then again, not much doesn't anger the Baboon Man. But, I certainly wouldn't approach Kagome if you do end up going against my judgment and choose her instead of that demon girl. I mean, if Naraku goes ballistic over Kagura, think of how InuYasha's gonna' handle you hitting on Kagome! I mean, he already hates you. Better not to add more coal to the fire, if you know what I mean.   
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I can no longer control my emotions. It seems that I, um, "go out of control" every time pain gets inflicted on me. It was all right with the occasional slap in the face that I received from a few women, but lately it happens so much that it just turns me on. I mean, god, Kagome's looking hotter by the day! And Sango...wow! Talk about major babe with major bust! It's not like I don't enjoy this new feeling, to tell you the truth it's great. But, when I'm in battle with...oh, let's say Sessho-marou...and I get hit...well, you can kind of get what I'm talking about. (It gets really bad when I'm fighting someone who's the same sex and there aren't any girls around for me to concentrate on!) Anyway, what can I do about this new "addiction" to pain? It makes me so...happy...  
  
Signed,  
Just a Monk With a Wind Tunnel  
  
Dear Monk,  
  
That is...interesting. I'm actually thinking that a lot of fangirls would prefer if you continued going on this way. That sounds really gross I know, but I know quite a few people who would be happy to discover that you found a new way to get off. So, you could just keep on the way you are, or you can go chain yourself to a wall in a deep, dark dungeon with no one around so you don't have to worry about your actions. Actually, don't do that. I don't really want to think about what you'd end up doing to yourself if you were alone and you cut yourself...  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1


	6. Kikyo and Michael Jackson DON'T ASK

Thank you to Kenkaya for your character and question idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I'm afraid that I am beginning to have these uncontrollable feelings for this wonderful man. Sure, many people hate him and he does seem to have long, black, curly hair that seems to resemble more of a girl's style than a man's, but all the same! I feel ever so odd about these emotions! You see, he's just oh so sexy in that baboon pelt; such a bold fashion statement. He's a man with ambition, even if that ambition includes killing me, but that just shows his dedication! Despite all of my lustful feelings that I feel towards this mysterious man with dark colored eye shadow, I can't get over my love for this certain dog hanyou. He is so cute! But, alas! Now that I have returned to my original state of being...okay, it's clay, but whatever...he seems to have taken on a new lover. She is a BITCH! She is a BITCH who wears a kimono that shows half of her ass! I feel that I am not yet ready to go steady and get physical...um, not VERY physical, anyway...so I am afraid that he will chose her and her small bosom over be and my rather large one. My only wish is to kill this evil slut (or BITCH, if you prefer) and remain forever with my dear hanyou in the underworld. But with these strange feelings towards that sexy Naraku and the new obstacle that is this BITCH, I am quite uncertain of what it is that I should do. Should I try out this new love with Naraku? Or should I kill that BITCH and stay true to my dear, dear InuYasha?  
  
Cordially,  
Love Struck Miko With An Attitude  
  
Dear Moody Miko (he, he),  
  
If you really love this dog hanyou, you should let him choose between you and the BITCH. (Actually, since he is a dog hanyou, the word "bitch" here is a bit ironic.) If he loves the other girl, then you should just let him go with her to make him happy. After all, having the man you love be happy should make you happy, right? Whatever. And, about this other guy, Naraku...you must have some really kinky tastes. A baboon outfit? Tell me, does he have a shiny red ass to, or is it just the fur?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
You know what? Screw all of the advice above! Just die and go to Hell! (Like you said, Kenkaya...I can piss off a lot of fans...watch me go...)

* * *

Thank you to Cheyo-Vera for your "character" and question idea. The sad thing about it? I actually considered it and realized, "Dear God, it might be true! AAHHH!!!" 

Dear SiriousB1,

Hello there. My name is Michael Jackson. I'm sure that you've heard of me. I am, after all, one of the most famous singers in the world. Ahem...anyway, I watched the anime InuYasha when it was on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim and continue to buy/rent the series. After watching a rather disturbing episode in which the villain Naraku stands completely naked before the characters, I realized something that makes me happy and slightly afraid at the same time. I realized that it is quite possible that Naraku and myself are related. First of all, our appearance. Both of us have dark hair and we also have the same color skin. (Well, now we do, anyway...) And then there is the fact that we both have similar goals. For example, molestation. He enjoys molesting minds, while I make a note to keep a sharp eye out for little boys...um...I did not just write that...sweatdrop Ahem...moving along, we both also are on constant searches for things. Him for shards of the Shikon Jewel and myself for the best plastic surgeons on the planet...and my home planet Pluto. I mean...I'm from Earth...nervous laugh Of course I am! Heh...heh...ahem. So, to conclude, do you know if Naraku is looking for a long-lost or distant cousin? Or, perhaps, an uncle?

Yours truly,

Doesn't Matter if You're Black Or White

Dear Once Was Black, Now is "White",

So, the Prince of Pop watches InuYasha, huh? That is information I DID NOT need to know...anyway, I have absolutely no idea if Naraku is looking for a lost relative. I'm not his friend and I do not frequently correspond with him. (I'll be okay as long as he doesn't figure out a way to control my mind...) I do, however, know his e-mail address as the website that publishes these questions lets the questioner know if he/she/it's question has been answered. Why don't you e-mail him? Here it is: won't-you-be-my-neighbor(at)baboonman.evil I'm sure he'd be happy to hear from you...

Sincerely,

SiriousB1


	7. Souta and Kirara

Thank you to DG and Crew for your character idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I met this one guy once and he saved my sister from this weird mask thing at a construction site around our home. My sister says that he is mean and all, but he seemed really caring. In addition to being saved, she is always going away down a well or something and goes on adventures. I seriously think that she and he are, you know, hitting all the bases. My sister is only in high school! What if she gets AIDS? What if she gets pregnant? What should I do?  
  
Closed,  
Worried Younger Sibling  
  
Dear Sibling,  
  
Perhaps you should sit down and talk with your sister. I honestly don't think that she is sleeping around with this dude…yet, anyway. However, I think that there is a monk that you might want to warn her about…  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Meow the Chibi Neko for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
My mistress Sango's brother is trying to kill her. And she has a crush on one guy, but he's a hentai. What should she do?  
  
Signed,  
Kirara  
  
Dear Kirara,  
  
Tell your master to stay away from her brother. That should keep him from killing her; even though it may be stressful staying away from family, it'll probably be better for her health in the long run. If he follows, make her change her name, cut and dye her hair, get some fake glasses or colored contact lenses and change her wardrobe. Who cares if she has a crush on a hentai? I daresay that having a hentai as a lover should make the experience all the more memorable. Heh, heh, heh.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Why do I get all these weird letters from anime animal sidekicks that aren't supposed to be able to talk? And why are half of them cats!? 


	8. Two InuYashas and a Shippou

Thank you to YoukaiTaiji-ya for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
A...uh, dog friend of mine, yeah a dog friend, used to have a girlfriend but this evil guy tricked us, I mean, them and so she died and I got, I mean, HE got pinned to a tree for fifty years. Then this one chick freed me, I mean, HIM and now I think I'm starting to, you know, LOVE her and …oops, did I say "I"? I meant HE, yeah, he. But now my, HIS ex-girlfriend is back and she's kinda bugging me, HIM. I think I…HE likes the new chick more but I…HE, dammit, HE! Doesn't know how to tell his ex-girlfriend. So what should I…eh, he do?  
  
Yeah, sincerely and all that shit,  
Reluctantly Caught in the Middle  
  
Dear R.C.I. the M.,  
  
Is it just me, or are we having an identity crisis? Now, about your "friend"…HE needs to tell HIS ex-girlfriend to leave HIM alone or HE needs to call the police to report a stalker. While HE is making out with HIS new girlfriend and HIS ex is in jail, YOU need to see a psychiatrist.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Thank you to Dil and his sister for the next two characters and questions.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I think I have fleas. It's really uncomfortable. I've tried everything: bathing, sitting in the sun for hours, scratching, I even had my friend vacuum me with the wind tunnel, black hole thing he does with his hand. I've talked to this future girl I'm kinda' weirdly bonded to, but she doesn't care. It's really, really bothersome, one has started to talk to me! What do I do?  
  
From,  
Furry and Frustrated  
  
Dear F. and F.,  
  
You could use some anti-itch powder for temporary removal. For permanent removal, you could always try getting sheared.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear Sirious,  
  
This guy I know keeps asking girls to have his baby. I feel sorry for him. Doesn't he know anything about girls? How can I approach the subject without seeming like a pervert?  
  
Signed,  
Little-Two-Tails(at)Weird-Animal-Sideckicks-Anonymous.ha!  
  
Dear Two Tails,  
  
I think I know who you're talking about. To be honest, I don't think he knows anything about girls either. Asking women to "bear his child" isn't the best pick up line. To figure out what he knows, approach him with the questions of wanting to start dating. See what he tells you. If he talks about "beauty, body and sex", then he probably doesn't know shit and won't pick up a date easily. If he talks about "mind and soul" then his perversion is all part of an act to conceal a scar from the past. (That was a load of crap…)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
I KNEW THERE WAS AN ORGANIZATION OF THE SIDEKICKS!! 


	9. Jaken and Hojo

Thank you to DG and Crew for the next two character ideas.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
Everyone says that I'm a weakling. Not only does this lower my self-esteem, but my ego as well. And it's all because it's true! Everyone hates me, I always lose at fights and this school girl constantly rams my head into the ground with her foot of my staff. MY STAFF! The worst of it all is that this evil human girl named Erica voted me the winner of the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV! How can I become strong so I can show everyone that I'm not as cowardly and weak as I appear to be?  
  
Signed,  
Toad-Like Creature Who is Not Gollum  
  
Dear Toad-ish Thing,  
  
It is my belief that you are not the Most Pathetic Person to Ever Be Seen on TV. Sure, you made runner-up in my book, but not number one. Oh, no! That slot was reserved for Frank "Ferret Face" Burns from M.A.S.H….but that's a different story! To become story, I suggest you lift weights. I hear that Tony Little's Gazelle Freestyle or whatever the hell that thing is gets good results, and that BOWFLEX is always a good choice. To become less cowardly and boost your self-esteem, they say that hypnosis really works.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1

* * *

Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I need some serious help. There is this person; I think someone called her "DG" that is stalking me. At first I thought it was just some girl from my fan club, but the other day I saw her with a rather large and sharp looking machete in her hand. She was pointing it at me from across the hallway at school and now I'm really scared. This little, toad-like creature (who claims he is not Gollum, but refuses to give me his actual name) came to my home and comforted me saying he understood what it was like to have everyone hate you, but I don't believe him. I mean, nobody hates me! I have my own fan club, for goodness sakes! Anyway, do you know how I can get rid of this scary girl? It's getting worse! I heard her talking to these girls Erica and Brat and it appears me that they are all plotting my demise. Plus, there was this other girl with shoulder length hair, glasses (though I think she has contacts) and a shirt that says "I hear voices…And they don't like you" on it lurking outside my window with an elephant gun and a box of bullets. Help!  
  
Signed,  
Stunning School Boy  
  
Dear School Boy,  
  
I regret to inform you that the only way out of this mess is to kill yourself. Yes, you heard me right: suicide. For once, suicide is the answer. Your stalkers will hunt you down until you are dead, so you might as well get it over with the method of your choice.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
The one outside your window was me. 


	10. Hojo and Meow the Chibi Neko

* * *

Thank you to Trinity33 for your character and question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
There's this girl I know…and I kinda like her. She gets sick all the time and my mom owns a pharmacy so I buy her things for her bunions, or her arthritis, or her mono, or her shingles, or SARS, or her…etc. But the thing is that I don't think she likes them and/or me because she always runs off or throws them away. Why doesn't she like me? I'm the most popular kid in school, dammit! ::starts foaming at the mouth:: I'M HOTTER THAN ANYONE, YOU HEAR ME, ANYONE! ::pops 20 or so pills into his mouth:: Except InuYasha…I can't compete with him…or Miroku…or Shippo for that matter…::sniff:: Please help me. What can I do?  
  
Signed,  
Troubled Teen in Tokyo  
  
Dear Troubled Teen,  
  
You could ask her why she doesn't like you. Don't ask me, I don't know (I hate you too!). Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you are an egocentric asshole who tries too hard. Dear God, I'd rather date Jaken! My suggestion to get people to like you is this: leave the show.  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1  
  
P.S.  
Jaken, if you call me, I will kill you!

* * *

Thank you to DG and Crew for their "character" idea.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
I really hate the show Reign: The Conqueror. And Lupin the 3rd. They suck ass and the animation sucks. But I love Hamtaro!! Some people thing that I'm really crazy because I enjoy watching hamsters go on adventures opposed to a thief and his gang getting into a lot of jams and a huge action cartoon that is a big part of history. What is wrong with me?  
  
From,  
Meow the Chibi Neko  
  
Dear Meow,  
  
Dear God, I don't know! That gay ass hamster runs right up their with the Trigun Cat! Well, I guess I understand why you don't like Reign…not many people do. I think you have to be really Greek like me to like it. Plus, Hephastion is cool; fuck the creators because they made him die saving Alexander! But, if you get past the whole crappy animation thing, Lupin the 3rd is pretty damn funny. Come on! There's a thief, a girl whose tits are the size of Kentucky, an excessive gambler, and a kick-ass samurai…what's not to love?  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	11. Jaken and Meow again

Thank you to Aisuru for your character and question.  
  
Dear Lowly Pathetic Human,  
  
I am a full-bloodied youkai with a long and glorious history, and I gave up my own renounced position among my brethren to become the loyal slave of a great youkai lord. I have been honored to serve him for hundreds of years, aiding him in the defense of his vast territories and being faithful in every task appointed me. Recently, though, he has developed this unnatural fondness of another lowly, pathetic human. Not only is this new companion a lowly, pathetic human, but it is a child female, and I fear he expects me to dote on this horribly disgusting creature. It needs to eat three or more times a day, it sleeps every single night without fail, and it dares to speak to my master without being spoken to first. How can I rip this annoyance to tiny, bloody pieces without facing the wrath of my most-wonderful master? Should I try to make it look like an accident so I can be available to comfort my master at his time of loss? Ack!  
  
Signed,  
The Only Worthy Companion of the Great One  
  
Dear Lowly, Pathetic, Asshole Butt-Monkey,  
  
Who are you calling a lowly pathetic human, you stupid fat fuck? I'm a fucking god around here! And if you think that you are the only one who is worthy of the Fluffy-ness's companionship, you got another thing coming to you! I know a lot of fangirls who can mow you down in one giant mob if they see your master! So, just fuck you, you fucking fuck!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1, God of the Advice Columns  
  
P.S.  
Next time you pass a cliff, kick a rock in the human girl's direction while your master isn't looking. With luck, she'll trip on it and fall to her death on the jagged rocks at the bottom.

* * *

Thank you to DG and Crew for your question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1,  
  
What do you have against us cats and animal sidekicks?  
  
Signed,  
Animal sidekicks and cats  
  
Dear You All,  
  
I have nothing against you…you all just happen to have the tendancy to scare the crap out of me! I mean, you pop up every three seconds at random times during the anime and mangas when no one expects it just to be annoying and…well, random! YOU ARE CREEPY!!  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


	12. Sadly Obsessed

Thank you to KuramasKitsuneMate for your question.  
  
Dear SiriousB1, Oh wise advice giver,  
  
I have a problem. I am madly in love with a half demon anime character! I realize that he dose not actually exist, but he's just so hot! I'm beginning to think my boyfriend would look good with little white dog ears on his head...HELP!  
  
From,  
Sadly Obsessed  
  
Dear Sadly Obsessed,  
  
I cannot exactly say that you are alone in grieving over this terrible, yet remarkable, problem. Click your mouse to any anime website and you are bound to find a poor, sad obsessed fangirl who is beginning to want her boyfriend to cosplay as her favorite character. I myself couldn't stop drooling over one of my friends Sesshomarou costumes; I wasn't even dating her! Anyway, to get out of this issue is quite a challenging task. I have mentioned in other columns (Lord of the Rings, I believe…) the many steps to this Anime Virus that has seeped into the minds of many a youth and older. To tell the truth, I think it is a good thing! It gives you a chance to get away from reality and slip into a place where anything is possible. No, not Disneyland! That's the great thing about anime: anything is possible. So, if you feel the need to bring your love out of the television and mangas and into the life you're leading, don't stop! In the end, it just might be a good get-away from school, parents or whatever else is on your mind. Besides, dog ears might be kinky in the bedroom. :-)  
  
Sincerely,  
SiriousB1 


End file.
